


Out in the Ocean

by krushnicc



Category: The Black Tapes Podcast
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Strand is sometimes emotionally stunted and it frustrates me, hi im new and i just finished the podcast and i'm dead inside, some lovely angst because these two are all about it before getting to the fluff, unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine please be kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 08:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17546045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krushnicc/pseuds/krushnicc
Summary: Richard Strand is plagued by storms for almost 20 years and the one storm that continues to drown him is the storm that is Alex Reagan.





	1. Storms are Brewing

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic for the TBTP fandom. I've been hit hard with the ship that is Reagan and Strand. These two make me just... Frustrated. 
> 
> I've read 70% of the fanfics about them and I enjoy each of them. Everyone in this fandom is so talented and I hope I did these two characters justice.

"We were good weren't we, Richard?" Dianne smiled and Strand stared at her. He nodded his head. "I was angry for a bit-"

"Rightfully so," Strand interrupted as he readjusted himself on the chair. "I'm sorry, Dianne." He suddenly felt all the guilt and love he buried for years rushing in. It came in like a tsunami mere minutes after seeing her at the coffee shop next door. Strand thought that this day would never come. 

"I forgave you a long time ago, Richard. I understood why you did it and I knew it pained you in so many ways." Dianne noticed his adam's apple bop up and down. She leaned forward from her chair to place her hand on the table, reaching out to him. "I loved you and I also know you loved me."

_Loved._  

He loved Dianne. He loved Coralee. He never knew it was possible to love after his wife but he did. He didn’t love as hard but he _loved_ Dianne with what all he had after Coralee, after Charlie and after everyone he had lost prior to Dianne.

Can he still love after Dianne too?

Strand readjusted himself and leaned forward, he looked at her open palm and after a second or two, placed his hand on top of hers. "I'm sorry," he said again and she squeezed his hand. Strand was a man of few words and Dianne always understood. It was why their relationship worked out for the time they were together. But Strand was also a broken man and he couldn't let Dianne fix him and his broken pieces. He knew that she was smarter and more emotionally ready for anyone but him but he was also selfish. 

Dianne knew how broken he was. It was all a facade and she was able to break through all but one wall. The one wall that Dianne knew not to break but admire. She’s an intelligent woman, beautiful in every sense of the meaning of classic and conventional beauty. Dianne commands a room wherever she entered and she was almost a copycat of Coralee with her mannerisms; she was always curious, always hungry for the truth, a devil’s advocator but a stark difference between the women he loved was that Dianne’s loyalty never faltered. 

All those years of guilt, it won’t stop coming in waves. Strand is drowning in his mind and all he could do is squeeze Dianne’s hand. 

It was as if they were continuing their conversation telepathically, which to Dr. Strand is not possible. But they sat there, holding hands and staring at each other with soft smiles. Soft smiles that translated to, ‘ _I know,’ ‘it’s okay,’ ‘You’re okay,’ ‘I still care.’_ They stayed that way for a bit until they heard a knock on the door. Dianne pulled away first, slowly, and Strand's hand followed. "Come in," he said, looking at the closed door. The door opened a little to reveal Alex. She looked at Strand and then at the stranger before her. Alex opened the door more and waved at the woman. 

Dianne and Strand stood up on cue when Alex waved her hand. They're almost at the same height but Strand was three to four inches taller. Alex took a few steps forward and extended her hand, "Hi, I'm Alex Reagan. I work for Pacific Northwest Stories."

"I'm a fan, Ms Reagan," Dianne took Alex's hand with a firm yet gentle way. Alex smiled. "I particularly loved your mini-podcast episodes on the mental illnesses people sufferwith and how they coped in healthy ways and sometimes in an unhealthy way. How you captured your subjects were raw and eloquent... You have a skill to pull interest with just using your voice." 

Alex was silent as she put her hand down, she has a tendency to pull the bottom fabric of her top when she is lost for words. Dianne, as humbling she may be, has a way to charm and make everyone around her feel important.

_Special_.

"Wow. Um... Thank you... Ms-" Alex stammers and she looks at Strand for assistance as Dianne never introduced herself. Strand was about to speak when Dianne replies back.

"I apologize. I'm Dianne Roberts. I'm an old friend of Richard's. I didn't expect to run into him... Here," Dianne looks at Strand, another soft smile forming on her face. "Chicago was always his home base but he's here in Seattle and I gawked that we crossed paths after all these years."

Strand cleared his throat. "It was a surprise. A good surprise." Alex's eyes dart between them, almost as if she was third-wheeling on an inside joke. _'Were they lovers?_ ' she thought, _'but he's always been so in love with Coralee...'_

“Although now I must bid my farewells,” Dianne looks at her watch. "I hate to cut our meeting short, Richard but you too have another affair to attend to and I'm hoping it's a new episode for the show?" She looks at Alex, who nodded her head.

“You listen to The Black Tapes Podcast?” Dianne nods her head a little too excitedly.

"I do. And you made Richard sound a little more human and almost like the man I've come to know and not the asshole everyone makes him out to be." Dianne giggles and Strand lets out a dry laugh then stares at the floor, averting the eyes of both the women in front of him. Most especially Alex, who he knows has conjured a bunch of questions in her mind.

Alex notices Diane's gentle grip on his forearm and she couldn't help but raise a brow. Dianne leans towards Strand, to whisper in his ear and Strand finally looks at her, a little uncomfortable with how close she is to him but he doesn't move back or push away. Strand's face softens a little and nods her head. He kisses her cheek and she pulls away.

_'Oh... They are,'_ Alex realizes to herself. Something in Alex flips.

Diane's fingers stray a little longer on his forearm as she lets go of her grip on him. "Til next time, Richard." Strand gives her a small smile and Dianne excuses herself from the room. Alex's eyes follows Diane's back as she exits and Strand eyes Alex, waiting for her to look at him.

He's preparing himself for the questions but he doesn't wait when her eyes finally land on him. 

"We... She was... She was after Core Lee." Strand turns toward his desk and leans against its frame, crossing his arms across his chest. 

There was silence. 

"Did she... End things between you two?" Alex asks in a whisper, approaching with caution and applying empathy with her words. Afraid that the wrong word may shut him down indefinitely and that's been happening a lot lately with Strand. One wrong question and he turns stoic. 

"No." Strand tilts his head back, his one hand rubbing the back of his neck as he looks at the ceiling tile above him. "I ended our relationship."

"Was it because of your guilt?" Leave it to Alex Reagan striking like a cobra.

"Yes," Strand sighs. "I felt guilty even in the fruition of my feelings for Dianne. It was just 10 years after the disappearance of my wife..." Alex doesn't say anything and Strand looks at everything in his office but Alex. He doesn't need pity.

"How long?” Alex mumbled.

“Pardon?” Strand was distracted by the messy state of his office. He’s been distracted lately. His mind between all sorts of projects and meetings and Alex.

"How long were you two intimate?“

Strand finally looks at Alex. Her eyes locked on him, her hands still at the hem of her top. Why was she nervous? She only did that when she was nervous? 

"Two years."

* * *

 

Dianne Roberts was one of nine graduates in his graduate course. She was one of his best and brightest. She always challenged him during discussions and she wrote fantastically. Richard Strand was fond of Dianne Roberts but he separated whatever he was feeling during her time as his student and intern. When she quit as his intern, he finally had the courage to ask Dianne for coffee, which turned into brunch then into dinner. 

And in between those moments, Strand felt the low murmurs of guilt and betrayal in the pit of his stomach. Coralee was- is his wife first and foremost and even if she was missing or dead for almost ten years, he still bore the love for Coralee and he still has a grip on the vows they exchanged.  

Dianne understood.

She always did.

* * *

Strand and Alex went out to grab lunch as the room was starting to suffocate Strand. He was still drowning from the waves of guilt. When will the waves stop? The after-shock came immediately after the first earthquake that was of Dianne. The waves don’t stop, the ocean keeps swaying.

Alex was the after-shocks and she knew when and how to start. She was, after-all, a journalist.

They sat as far as they could from the crowd to have a small booth to themselves so they can talk. Alex was still curious and Strand was stuck answering questions because he can’t help but nurture Alex’s curiousity but is this safe to air to the public? What will Charlie think? She never knew. Dianne was a secret but she really wasn’t. 

“Strand, are you ok?” Alex whispers. Strand looks at her, cupping the plastic cup. His fingers move along the groves of the cup, something to preoccupy his mind as he tries to stay afloat. “I turned off the recorder if that makes you feel any better…” Strand’s left corner of his lip couldn’t help but twitch a little up. He heard Alex chuckle softly and they looked at each other. 

“I’m fine… I’m still reeling.” He taps a finger on the table, aimlessly looking at the window before him. _Why is feeling this way?_

“Does it feel like seeing Coralee all over again? Ghost of lovers past?” Alex hopes Strand would get the reference. 

Strand chuckles and shakes his head a little. “This is not a tale of a Christmas Carol, Alex.” Alex gives him a grin and she’s relieved she made him laugh. He’s relieved she’s here with him.

“Have you ever loved before Alex?” Strand breaks the silence between them as they ate their lunch. Alex mid-bite into her turkey wrap, looks at Strand and nods her head as she chews on her food, covering her mouth with her hand. She swallows hard and dabs a napkin on her lips.

“I have. I think everyone has,” Alex chooses her words wisely. She clears her throat. “I had a boyfriend in college who broke my heart to the point of almost dropping out the semester. I was really about to move to another college because of a boy.” She shakes her head and absentmindedly plays with the straw in her cup. Strand stops eating and listens intently. “Please don’t judge me.” Alex sheepishly smiles and looks at Strand.

“I can’t help it,” Strand shrugs his shoulders. “I can’t imagine a strong-headed woman like you to fall so quickly and hard over a boy. I know you make rash decisions but… Tell me you didn’t drop out?” 

“I didn’t. My mother would kill me if she knew.” It felt that Strand was holding his breath. “I missed two weeks of classes but my professors chalked it up to being depressed about… Something,” Alex waves her hand in the air. “I’m glad that I showed my promise early on so I was treated with a little bit of kindness during my moment… of darkness.”

“How long were you two together?”

Alex looked at Strand then at the window then at her food and when she replied, she mumbled. 

“What?” 

“A year,” Alex looked up without moving her head from the angle. “We were together for a year.” She felt Strand’s judging eyes. She saw a quick flash of annoyance but suddenly replaced with… Empathy? Or was that him about to say something so… _Richard Strand-ish?_

“Well, the chemicals in–”

Alex interrupts Strand, “Please don’t put a science spin on love, Richard.” She rolls her eyes in jest. “Not everything requires a scientific explanation.”

“Everything can be explained scientifically.”

“And where’s the fun in that?” Alex teased. Strand cocked his head. “Oh, right… You’re Dr. Richard Strand, you have fun that way.” And this time it was Strand’s turn to roll his eyes.

They spent the rest of their lunch talking about something entirely different and at one point, Strand didn’t feel like he was drowning anymore. The ocean within him had calm and the after-shocks finally stopped. 

* * *

It was late in the evening in Strand’s father’s home that Alex pulled the conversation from the grave. Strand knew that Alex wouldn’t just drop it. She never does. When has she killed her curiousity? He was growing tired from the amount of books he skimmed in relation to their newest tip for their investigation that Strand didn’t answer her immediately. Maybe if he pretended to be engrossed in the book in front of him, Alex will drop it.

But she doesn’t.

Alex Reagan doesn’t just drop it. 

“Richard?” And she turned on that voice. That voice she uses when she wants her subjects to talk to her, to make them feel like they can trust her and that voice laced with care and caution. Alex used that voice on him on the podcast and off the record. It was the voice that Strand couldn’t say no to.

Strand looks up from his book and takes of his glasses to rub his hand over his temples. “Yes, Alex?” He places his glasses back and looks at Alex. Her dark circles are starting to come out from hiding and he wants to fireback with a question about her sleep, her insomnia, her nightmares but she stares at him. She has intent in her eyes. She’s intent on getting her questions answered tonight.

“Do you still love her?” 

“I loved her just like how I loved Coralee.” 

“Oh,” was all Alex said and after a few seconds of staring, she goes back to her laptop and there was no expression to her face as she typed and as the glow of her laptop hits her. Strand observes her for another minute because he prepared himself to answer a barrage of questions but it was just that one question. He felt a little confused.

Alex continued to type and Strand stood up from his seat and walked away from their work area. When Strand’s back faced Alex, she finally looked up from her screen and watched him exit the room.

Strand’s answer left a bitter taste in Alex’s mouth and she felt confused and annoyed. She had no right to feel those things. Alex has harbored _feelings_ for Strand since episode one of season one of the podcast. It wasn’t love as it was merely just a ‘ _oh my god, he’s hot_ ’ type of crush. Alex remembers the first thought when she watched videos of him on Youtube during her research on the enigmatic Dr. Richard Strand, he was devastatingly handsome and the things he could say, what he can say will make any rigid knee buckle. He is Dr. Richard Strand, a man of few words and he’s a man of mystery and he’s a man… A man with degrees in religion, mythology and psychology. He can love and fuck whoever he wants so why does she feel a tinge of… Jealousy?

_It will never happen_ , Alex shakes her head. She’s Alex Reagan, the girl who called and pestered Strand for an interview, the girl who has a half-believer and half-a skeptic, the girl who cannot and will not compare to Coralee and Dianne Roberts, the girl who cared too much for a man who only thinks of her as the journalist. Alex Reagan felt a little sadder at the realization that her school girl crush turned into love for Strand. It was a one-sided affair and she felt alone in the sea.

It’s been a while since his exit from the room. Alex starts to worry a little that maybe she crossed another line and Strand left to cool off or collapsed due to exhaustion or decided to pack up and leave her again.

So she picked up her phone and texted him.

_Alex [12:05am]: Strand, are you okay?  
_

And this is how their conversations seem to start through text. Alex and Strand starting their conversations with, ‘ _are you okay?_ ’, ‘ _did you sleep well?_ ’, ‘ _what’s wrong?_ ’ Alex knows when it started and she doesn’t think it’ll end anytime soon. 

_Strand [12:07am]: Yes._

She doesn’t hear a notification sound, which she usually does. Strand’s phone never goes on silent unless he’s teaching, in meetings or when they’re investigating on field. His phone is usually on ringer in his own home because there have been times Alex would call him out of _terrible_ habit after waking up from very scary, almost real-like nightmares to just hear his voice… To comfort her… 

_Alex [12:08am]: Where are you?_

A bubble of three dots appear and then disappears and Alex feels her heart rate go up as she watches the text bubble appear and disappear. _Is he typing out a novel for his whereabouts?_ Alex thoughts impatiently.

_Strand [12:12am]: In my office._

He wasn’t.

_Strand [12:13am]: Did you find something?  
_ _Alex [12:13am]: I was worried.  
_ _Strand [12:15am]: Why?  
_ _Alex [12:16am] I just am. Did I do something wrong?_

Strand stares at his phone, he doesn’t know how to answer and it’s rare for Strand to not have answers. He knows Alex didn’t do anything wrong, she was merely asking questions and she was curious but he couldn’t help but feel there was something behind her words that felt like accusatory. Strand was starting to feel the ocean in him brew a storm. He didn’t feel like drowning again so he started to swim. 

Swim away from the storm that was of Alex Reagan.

_Strand [12:22am] No._  
_Strand [12:23am] It’s getting late Alex._  
_Alex [12:24am] Okay._

He doesn’t hear her shuffle around, doesn’t hear pack nor her footsteps. He sees her headlights back out from his driveway and drive away into the night. Strand is left alone with his thoughts and storms of guilt—Coralee, Dianne and Alex. 

Alex feels dejected as she drove home. She asked one question, a harmless question she thought but not to Strand. It crossed a line and he wouldn’t say it. He was always so… earnest in his responses. He never beat around the bush, he never shied behind sugar coated answers. Strand is a man of few words and he’s a man who will matter of factly tell you you’re being illogical.

But now, he’s a man of fewer words and man of pain. After his stunt, he came back different. Alex was constantly walking on egg shells with him, they were arguing a lot more, it wasn't just playful banter like before but sometimes they would scream at each other and someone would walk out, slamming a door. Alex yearned for their relationship from before… All this. Sure, she knew he was annoyed with her texts, calls and questions but she believed that Dr. Richard Strand enjoyed her company. 

That was then and this is now. Now she feels their relationship evolved into revolving only around each other because one is a subject of a fascinating podcast investigation and the other believes they owe them something. It felt like they were just strangers.

Their friendship was shattered. 

Alex stared at her phone screen, hoping for something. She couldn’t sleep even if she wanted to. Her clock on her desk read _2:05am_ and thank God, she was off later. Alex tossed and turned and she replayed her day with Strand. She analyzed every question she asked and the answers Strand gave her. She was back to square one. 

Strand laid on his bed with one arm under his head and one hand absentmindedly turning his phone on its side on his chest like a stray playing card. The storms won’t leave him alone. He’s trying to breathe in between the crashes of water and wind. Strand is trying to stay afloat. He turns his phone on and the bright light burns his eyes just a little. It’s _2:45am_ and he hopes Alex doesn’t call. 

She doesn’t and the sun light hits Strand’s face to wake him up. It’s _7:16am_ and he blinks twice until he gains a little bit of consciousness. He lets go of the pillow he held too tightly onto and sits up on the side of his bed. He looks at his phone: no missed calls, no text messages. A tinge of hurt flashes in him but all too soon it appears, it soon disappears. 

The storms have disappeared… For now. 

Strand makes his cup of tea and out of habit he has left over water in the kettle. For a moment he forgets that Alex isn’t in the guest bedroom or on the couch sleeping. This morning, he’s alone. He drinks his tea and goes in his office to continue his work.

Strand doesn’t track the hours he’s been in his office but loud knocks to his front door breaks the trance. He stops typing, looks out the window and it’s almost dusk, he hears the knocks and loud chants of ‘ _Richard!_ ’ Strand stands abruptly and rushes down the steps to his front door where the knocks were getting louder and Alex’s voice trembles within the empty foyer. Strand opens the door and Alex is panting, her eyes wide and wild. 

“Richard!” and she slams her body against him. “Why the fuck are you ignoring me?!” He feels her warm body against his and at first he was hesitant, almost shocked with the abrupt embrace Alex held him in but he gave in and half-heartedly embraced her back. She buries herself in his chest and he won’t notice the tear streak down her cheeks until she rises up for air and to look at him. “I thought you— What did I do wrong?” she quietly asks.

He doesn’t say anything but his hands linger on her elbows. He scans her face. Has she been crying for hours? 

“Richard, talk to me… Please?” Alex pleads and tries not to cry. 

“Alex, did you sleep?” was all that came out and Alex sniffles and blinks, she pulls away from his grasp and moves back out from the door frame. “Sometimes lack of sleep can alter our emotions and cognitive process.” 

Strand was going to continue to drone on about Alex’s insomnia affecting her in so many ways, to explain her erratic behavior and that the attention of care she gives him should be turned towards her instead. He’s fine and he was about to say it out loud when Alex lets out a muffled scream.

“Shut the fuck up, Richard,” Alex says. “I can hear you without even seeing your lips move.”

“That’s not possible, Alex.”

“You are insufferable!” Alex pushes her way into his home, bumping his shoulder. “Strand, just for once, be honest with how you feel, talk to me like you used to, talk to _me_ ,” she heavily emphasized the end. Her voice became hoarse and she started to cry some more. “I haven’t slept for more than four to five hours at a time, Richard. Ever since you disappeared without a word and came back without an explanation, I can’t help but worry—“

“Why? It’s not your job. Your job is to inves—“

“I think we’re passed just being interviewer and interviewee and you can’t get your mind wrapped around the fact tha—“ 

“What do you mean passed it?”

“Richard, we’ve evolved more than just colleagu—“

“We didn’t. When did this—“

“Stop being a dick and just for once, connect the dots!”

“Dots of what!? The Black Tapes? Coralee’s disappearance? What am I suppose to connect here Alex?!” 

“Us!” 

And Strand shuts up. They were both annoyed. They were both heated in whatever argument of the moment and as Strand watched Alex’s shoulders rise up and down in quick paces, a storm started to brew in him again.  

It’s been like this for months after his return. Their arguments were frequent and exchanges of anger took a toll on both of them, mostly Alex and Strand felt guilty and the storm grew. With the silence between them, he started to notice the little details that changed on Alex physically. She lost a little bit of weight, her eyes were sunken, her dark circles were darker, her lips were dry and it seems that she repeats her outfit much more excessively… This was the third time this week she’s worn that black top. 

But it wasn’t just her alone that had issues. He knew that he hasn’t been sleeping well either and that his facial hair had grown longer and has been unkept. He doesn’t comb his hair back, slick and tamed. He doesn’t wear suits anymore, just long sleeve button ups and dark jeans. Strand hasn’t been himself and he’s only realized that emotionally he hasn’t been the same either.

The earthquake of Dianne Roberts started a chain of disasters within him and he doesn’t know how to be rescued from it or if he’ll ever be rescued. 

“Richard,” Alex snaps him from his inner turmoil and he looks at Alex with lost eyes. 

He’s drowning and Alex’s voice is just a gurgle of noise within the storm. 

“Richard,” Alex says a little bit more forceful.

The waves are bigger and he’s slammed around. Richard Strand is in a storm of his own doing.

“Richard,” Alex grabs his wrist. 

His eyes her and he wants to speak but the ocean drowns him.

“I’m here for you,” is all she says and he grabs her for safety. 

 


	2. Settled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to amp the angst but I still need to work on writing... So only Level 2 angst here. All mistakes are mine as this is unbeta'd
> 
> Read the end notes.

They stayed by the door hugging for what almost felt like an eternity. Richard Strand, a man who never wore his emotions on his sleeves, a man of logic and enigmatic aura, is also a man who can cry.

When Strand pulls away, they were silent. He adverted his eyes from her and stood there looking at his feet. Alex knows he hasn’t been himself for months but she’s never seen him this broken. For all the two years they’ve known and worked together, she’s never seen him cry. She’s seem him angry, annoyed, happy and engrossed in his research and this investigation but never a broken shell of a man. Did she break him?

Strand finally looks at her, he towers over her by a seven to eight inches and she lifts her head to look at his eyes. There are no words exchanged and before Strand turns away again, she grabs his hand and squeezes it with hers. Alex Reagan finally sees the storms in Strand’s eyes. She doesn’t need to say anything but she leads him to another room to sit. She thinks they both need to drink tea.

Alex leaves Strand in the living room as she goes to the kitchen to prep tea for the both of them and maybe dinner. It was a little after seven o’clock when she checked her watch. Strand probably hasn’t eaten all day. As she prepares dinner, Strand is left in another room to work through the remnants of the storm. 

Strand stands up and walks to his bedroom. He reaches for his phone on his nightstand and turns it on and takes a sharp breath in at the amount of notifications on his feed.

_22 Missed Calls from Alex_  
_1 Missed Call from Ruby Carver_  
_3 New Messages from Ruby Carver_  
36 New Messages from Alex  
2 New Email Messages from Ruby Carver

He clicked on his text messaging app and Alex’s message thread. He scrolled up until he reached his last message he sent to her, _it’s getting late Alex._

Strand stood at the edge of the staircase to read the trail of sporadic messages Alex had sent him. He feels a magnetic pull within that a large storm that is coming.

_Alex [9:05am]: Did you sleep ok?_  
_Alex [9:15am]: Strand?_  
_Alex [9:30am]: What did I do wrong, Richard? What did I do this time?_  
_Alex [9:35am]: I’m sorry._  
_Alex [10:13am]: Richard, please… Answer me._  
_Alex [10:24am]: Please answer your phone._  
_Alex [10:46am]: You better not have disappeared again. Don’t you dare, Richard Strand._  
_Alex [12:18pm]: Richard, im goign a little crazy here…. pls answer.are you ok???_  
_Alex [12:30pm]: im sorry im so sorry….sorry for everything…please, richard…_  
_Alex [12:36pm]: I didn’t mean to cross the line again… I haven’t been myself lately. ive been having nightmares that i thought i got it undercontrolled but theyre getting worse and sometimes when we fight they get worse_  
_Alex [12:38pm]: Sometimes you’re in my nightmares…im runnig to save you but i cant reach you and last night i dreamt that i lost you in a storm and i tried to swim to you but you got farther and farther_  
_Alex [1:01pm]: Richard, answer… I need to know you’re here and you’re ok_  
_Alex [1:05pm]: I wont stop until you answer me…_  
_Alex [1:30pm]: please talk to me…i love you_  
_Alex [1:34pm]: I worry about you all the time because I love you and I don’t know when it started to become something more than a professional relationship. Besides the nightmares, my feelings for you are one of the things that keep me up at night._  
_Alex [1:36pm]: please dont feel guilty_  
_Alex [1:37pm]: I think about you whenever im not thinking about demons but now its starting to mesh with those thoughts that what if these demons are hunting you and even if you don’t believe in them i cant help but believe their existence. I think about you and your health, if you ate if you had your fill of tea for the day ahah… Richard, I think about you in ways outside of our professional relationship and i dont know when it started i cant explain it can you?_  
_Alex [1:40pm]: ijust want to kiss you and taste whatever tea you drank, i want to hug you and inhale your scent and there are times where i just want to caress your face whenever you get too tired from your research_  
_Alex [1:42pm]: i dont know how else to tell you how ifeel what can i do richard? do you want me to make a duckin research paper explaining my feelings_  
_Alex [1:42pm]: CAN YOU SCIENTIFICALLY EXPLAIN ALL THIS RICHARD? MY FEELINGS? FOR YOU? US?_  
_Alex [1:43pm]: i know there wont be an us but just say youre okat and i wont talk about this anymore I’ll drop ot_  
_Alex [1:45pm]: Richard please talk to me._  
_Alex [1:50pm]: Please_  
_Alex [2:46pm]: I’m on my 18th missed call, Richard._  
_Alex [2:47pm]: Ruby can’t reach you….. She can always reach you.._  
_Alex [2:50pm]: Are you going to ignore me? How long???_  
_Alex [2:52pm]: You’re a child, Strand._  
_Alex [2:53pm]: I swear to god i will punch you if you left the country again_  
_Alex [3:02pm]: Fuck you, Richard Strand._  
_Alex [3:10pm]: ANSWER YOUR PHONE._  
_Alex [4:25pm]: ims ossoso so so tired pls just text back to let me know youre okay…_  
_Alex [5:30pm]: Richard?_  
_Alex [5:32pm]: Where are you?_  
_Alex [5:34pm]: …pls?_  
_Alex [5:39pm]: Im comign over  
_ _Alex [6:20pm]: I’m here_

Strand reached the end of the message thread. He can’t feel his legs. His breath hitches as the words he finished reading hits him hard. Alex Reagan… _loves_ him. The storm stays in place within him and he’s stay afloat, staring at the storm before him. 

_Strand [7:32pm]:_ _Do you mean it?_

Strand finally got the courage to walk down the stairs and when he reached the bottom of the staircase, his phone vibrates. 

_Alex [7:34pm]: I do._

After the disappearance of his wife Coralee, the termination of his relationship with Dianne and seeing Coralee alive only for her to disappear again, Richard doesn’t know what to do but stay quiet.

_Strand [7:37pm]: Why?_  
_Alex [7:38pm]: Does everything need a reason?_  
_Alex [7:39pm]: Evidence? Can’t you accept something without having the need to have an explanation?_  
_Strand [7:41pm]: Just tell me.  
_ _Alex [7:42pm]: Come to me._

“Alex,” Strand appears inside the kitchen, behind the island that separates him and Alex, who was preparing plates of food. Alex looks up at him and pauses from food prepping, wiping her hand on a towel rag.

“Richard,” she replies. “You read them?” He nods.

“I’m– I’m married, Alex,” Strand finally says. “It’s complicated… At best.” 

“Do you still love her?” Alex asks, trying to mask the pain she feels from the rejection of her confession. 

Strand ponders. He chooses his words carefully. He sees the storm moving away from him but he’s swimming towards it. It’s pulling him. “I _loved_ her.”

“Okay,” was all Alex said and she continued finishing up dinner. They didn’t move to the dinning room or the desk where they usually sat to work and eat. They stayed in the kitchen, the island between them. They ate in silence but not in haste. 

Strand would steal glances towards Alex but she remained focused on her plate and not once did he see her look away from it. He feels guilty. There were a few times he tried to say something but nothing would come out. He would open his mouth and then close it.

Alex doesn’t want to drop it but she does for the sake of whatever remained of her and Strand’s relationship. What is their relationship? She feels hurt with the rejection Strand had just told her. _He’s married, he claims. Of course, Coralee is alive after all… In his relationship with Dianne, Coralee was missing and possibly dead in his mind but seeing her alive few months back… It changes everything._ Alex continues to play with her food and doesn’t want to look at Strand because she can’t control the tears that stream down her face and god, she was so exhausted in so many ways. She’s exhausted mentally and physically. The screaming match with Strand earlier worn her out and her body can no longer contain the tears. 

_I’m so fucking weak,_ Alex screams. _I’m weak for him._

“I’m sorry,” Strand finally breaks the icy silence between them. Alex doesn’t look up and he sighs. “Alex, I’m sorry I worry you but—” and Alex’s head shots up and Strand finally sees that all this time she hasn’t looked up from her plate because she was crying. 

“You can’t ask me to stop worrying about you, Richard!” Alex choked. “I can’t stop. And if you don’t love me the way I love you, it will be okay.” She pauses to try and give a small smile. “I’ll be okay and we’ll be okay, right?” Her smile tries to stay on her face but the longer she tried to keep up the facade, the harder it was for her to keep the tears in and Strand reached over to touch her hand. At the touch of his hand, Alex pulls away to wipe the tears from her face.

“I didn’t say I didn’t love you,” he finally says. He’s still looking at her. “I—I don’t know what to do, Alex. I don’t want this to be a repeat of Dianne… I was selfish enough to let her love me, a broken man with no one. My wife went missing, my only child left me, my parents were dead and my siblings and I are estranged. I was alone for a decade, I became cold, distant and I became somewhat of a misanthrope.” Strand’s voice became low, almost a whisper. He moved around the island, wanting to close the space between him and Alex. “I can’t ask you for such a big burden to hold, Alex.” Strand lifts his hand to brush the strand near her cheek and pushes it behind her ear, his fingers linger for a moment near her jawline. “I’d hate to be a cliche but loving me would not be easy.” 

Alex reaches for Strand’s hand and holds his wrist to pull his palm towards her cheek. She tilts her head towards his open palm and rest her head, she looks up at him, “You don’t get to choose for me, Richard. I’m an adult.” 

Strand hums, “I could be seen as your father.” Alex laughs a little and Strand raises a brow. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh. You make one hot dad though,” Alex still holding onto Strand’s wrist. He rolls his eyes as he lets out a faint chuckle. Alex lets go of his wrist and he drops his hand near hers. “Richard… I’m sorry for the fights.” Alex’s tone gets a little deeper. “I don’t know if it’s because we’re running on fumes or this… This whole thing is getting to us.” She nervously chuckles.

“Lack of sleep,” Strand replies. “This whole thing is nothing bu–“

Alex tiptoes, grabs Strand’s biceps and kisses him to shut him up. Strand gives in easily, grabs her around her waist to pull her a little more towards him. And in the heat of the moment, he lifts her up and places her on the island. Alex tugs on Strand’s bottom lip as they kissed with haste and importance, her hands getting lost in his hair. He pulls her closer to him, close to the edge of the island by her waist with so much hunger. All the fighting had led to this moment. 

They both had wanted this but they were stubborn and preoccupied with all the hoop-la of the Order of Cenophus, the Black Tapes, Tiamat, Thomas Warren, Daeva Corp. and everything in between that surrounds them and the podcast. 

Strand’s hand finds its way under her shirt, caressing one of her breasts and Alex lets out a noise from her throat. Their hands erratic, needy… They need and want each other. Strand pulls away slowly for air and he lets out a hoarse laugh, he rests his forehead on Alex’s. Strand cups her face and kisses her forehead.

“Did you kiss me to shut me up, Miss Reagan?” 

“I’m guilty, Dr. Strand.” 

Strand chuckles and rests his head on Alex’s shoulder, her hand combing through his hair slowly. Their little moment ruined with Alex’s phone ringing. Alex jumped a little at the sound of it at first but she twists her torso to grab it from behind her. It was Nic.

“Hello Nic,” Alex answers.

_‘Alex! Oh thank bloody god! Where the hell are you Alex? Are you with Strand? Ruby texted me asking for updates because you asked if Strand was okay and if she knew where she was and she’s been trying to get ahold of him too and—’_

“Nic. Nic…Nic!” Strand just stares at her and she stares back as she was trying to calm her friend. “Richard and I are okay. I… I just had a little moment of anxiety.” 

‘ _Was it another nightmare?’_

Alex doesn’t respond for a second but she clears her throat. “Ye-yeah, another nightmare. I-I’m sorry if I worried you all… But I’m fine. Richard is fine. He just had his phone on silent and was being Strand.” Strand rolled his eyes, Alex winked at him and patted his cheek. 

_‘Okay… Well, can you tell Strand to message Ruby? She’s worried.’_

“I will,” Alex promises.

Based on how loud the volume was on Alex’s phone, Strand was already reading the stream of messages Ruby had left and saw an additional two more missed calls from her.

_Ruby [1:46pm]: Dr. Strand. Miss Reagan is trying to reach you. Please call her back._  
_Ruby [2:30pm]: Dr. Strand, are you okay?_  
_Ruby [3:42pm]: I know you don’t like my incessant texting and calling but Alex is really worried. She also won’t leave me alone in regards to knowing your whereabouts. Please message her or call her back, I’d like to enjoy my Saturday._  
_Ruby [7:15pm]: ???????????  
_ _Ruby [7:30pm]: I don’t know if Alex came over to your house but I haven’t heard from her too. I’ll be calling for emergency services at 8:35pm if I don’t get a message or a text._

Strand’s eyes widen when he looked at the time on his phone, it read 8:25pm. He quickly typed out a reply to Ruby.

_Strand [8:26pm]: Hello Ruby. I’m sorry I caused panic. I am well. Miss Reagan is here at my residence so please do not call emergency services._

_Ruby [8:28pm]: Oh thank fucking lord._  
_Strand [8:29pm]: Language.  
_ _Ruby [8:29pm]: [:-)]_

Alex plays with a strand of her hair when she clears her throat for a second time to grab Strand's attention. "You know, I've handled a lot in the two years I was with you... And not to undermine Dianne because I'm sure she was fantastic and what not buuuuuuut I'm pretty sure what we've been through and what we're going to face is a lot more of a burden than you as a walking unlovable cliche." 

Strand furrows his brows. 

"What I'm trying to say is, Richard... I can handle you," Alex her hand on his cheek. "I'll fight any demon with you."

"They're not real, Alex," Strand replies.

"Oh my god, here we go again," she playful says. "One of these days, Richard, you'll see an actual demon and you're just gonna stand there and say, 'light tricks.'"

Strand leans in to leave a kiss on Alex's lips. "Shut up, Alex."

"I love you too, Richard," Alex lets out a hearty laugh.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing this and I hope you enjoy reading it! I hope to improve more with writing and lots of character development. I also want to learn how to write amazing smut... I also want to get better with angsty scenes... Those are always nice. 
> 
> Edited: I included an original character as I have a theory that Strand did fall in love after Coralee but it took him years and lots of swallowing up the guilt. People get lonely even though he seems very strong-headed and distant with people; ultimately Strand can get attached with the right type of people he vibes with. If Ruby has been his assistant for so long, there's a side of Strand that makes him a wonderful friend (if you vibe with him) but could also mean he pays really well??? idk.... 
> 
> Also that break between Season 2 and 3, I think something happened off the record and in between recording S3 that had these two finally getting comfortable with each other.. Strand's whole spiel of 'trust me, trust us' has me thinking that they finally resolved all the tension they had with each other mid-way in S2. 
> 
> Anyway, I digress... Thank you for reading!!! I'm so grateful you read this far and if you didn't like it, I'm still thankful you read - I'm sorry if I wasted your time. I'm hoping as I continue to write, I will get better.


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